The alarm breaks into the silent darkness, shrieking loudly and way earlier than it needs to. I sit up with ninja-like speed, and jump out of bed without hesitating. I rush through only the most necessary grooming and head down the hall to the office. Finally, I’m where I’ve wanted to be ever since I was forced to retire from it the day before—staring into the computer screen at my small piece of the World Wide Web. Starting where I left off, I slightly edit the stylesheet for probably the tenth time that week. It’s 6:00 a.m. and the sun is barely up, but I’m as alert as I’ve ever been, working on my short life’s great passion, my obsessive hobby, my pride and joy—my blog. And I do this for hours on end. And I’m 10 years old.
As I type this fourteen years later, I shake my head and stare into space for a while…trying to come up with the words to describe how this memory makes me feel. I’m in awe at how my childhood hobby pointed so clearly in the direction of who I am today. I couldn’t even tell you how many blogs I’ve had since then. I hosted them on GeoCities, and then as I entered new seasons of life, I’d start fresh on Xanga, Live Journal, Tumblr, and Blogger (also known as Blogspot). In 2012, thanks to a few years messing around with coding on MySpace and all my various blogs, I finally felt comfortable enough to move this one over to self-hosted WordPress on my own.
I can’t explain why 10-year-old me got so much joy from this blogging thing, or why 24-year-old me can’t imagine life without an online space of my own. Maybe it was because I was filling up my little Hello Kitty journals too fast. Maybe I was pulled in by the ability to design it myself, adding as many cursor effects and making as many animated glitter graphics as I wanted.
My blogs have been through an evolution of writing about what I was learning (what could I have possibly been experiencing back then?), live-blogging the changes I made to the aesthetics, and getting a high from receiving feedback. I wish more than anything that I could find these old blogs.
I even dabbled in the fashion blogging thing until I remembered I don’t enjoy being photographed. (If you think I’m awkward in general, you should see me in front of a camera.) I rediscovered that my love for fashion was all because I love design, and went in that direction instead.
I used this blog space last year solely as a portfolio, writing here as a showcase for potential employers. It worked, and I fully immersed myself into the working adult world. I’ve been going through the motions of this “adulting” thing, not stopping much for my former leisures or adventures with creativity. I dropped blogging because I was “too busy.” I also forgot why I loved and needed it, and I hadn’t been seen here since September 2014.
More than a year later, I’m back because the part of my brain that was so stimulated with writing has become stagnant. The colorful part of me has been shrinking where it should be (and used to be) spinning, and I’ve sunk down into a world of black and gray in more ways than one. So much has happened and changed in my life, and the pull I feel to share what I’ve been learning is so strong that I can’t cross that level of disobedience to God and to who I really am.
It’s not that I haven’t wanted to write—in fact, there are quite a few “free write” posts hanging out in drafts. I haven’t felt like I was ready to do it correctly (read: perfectly…more on that to come) even though multiple times God told me, “Just write.”
Remember that time I created a separate blog for matters of faith? It was called Fashioned by Faith, and I’m pulling the plug on it. In work, in personal growth, in career changes, in creative pursuits, God’s hand has been all over it and I can no longer justify the separation. Even though I wasn’t a believer when I started this blog, it’s in Him that I found my hope, purpose, and drive for everything I do (Acts 17:28).
From now on, I’m looking forward to this being a place to spotlight the beautiful artwork (design, words, fashion, all of it) that captivates me on a weekly basis. This will be the dumping grounds for everything I can write better than I can say (so, everything). I’ll continue to chronicle my life here and work through what I’m learning, relish in how I’m growing, and fight any perfectionism-induced anxiety that tries to keep me from pressing “publish.”
It feels good to be back.