For some reason (probably because this blog is something like a progress journal), I feel the need to note here that this marks the first poem I’ve written since middle school. This post is two months to the day of my last blog post and everything I’ve tried to write since then has sounded poem-like, so I ran with it. Maybe there are more to come?

I don’t really want to talk
about my theological background
I want to talk about the darkness I used to swim in
and the light that found me above the waters

I want to talk about the me with no belief
who could never shake the idea of a grand designer
The girl of 14 who couldn’t reconcile intellect and faith
—they’re at odds,
are they not?

Who read enough on Wiki to know
or at least doubt
Or at least find comfort and confidence
in doubting
that the same God they speak of
couldn’t be the good
they speak of and
also condone the hate they speak
Let’s talk about it.

I don’t want to laugh about church culture anymore
And memorized testimonies
And choir robes
And tambourines

It’s fine and funny and
beautiful in a way, but
Let’s talk about the God who was beyond my reasoning
Who transcends time and place
and even that space in my head
where “reasonable” rebellion lay

Who does, in fact, have proof but
Even still
Is beyond that, too
and is bigger and more mysterious and deeper
than the lines on any page I ever read

Who the book says sent His son for us
I read that once
I didn’t believe it but
I let the religious folk have their fun
I didn’t want to talk about it.

But if anyone asked in the South, sure
I’ll claim the name
And one day discover that “Christian”
means much more than filling pews on Sunday morning

And God doesn’t need my pity or even my defense
Who He is and was and always will be
Was far beyond my mind’s frame

And my rebuttals had sharp teeth
That were no match for the Lion of Judah
No matter how smart I thought I was

Eventually I wondered
if faith made more sense than what I’d seen
And if God was really more than meets the eye

I wondered, eventually,
If I could be wrong about church
Blaming buildings and humans
And missing blessed assurance

I asked questions and the answer
Was Jesus Christ, the hope of glory
I swam in pride and landed on the shore
of real love
And wonder.